Quote:It's possible, Jonesy, that by sharing your vulnerabilities and insecurities -- acknowledging hers as well -- could be a window of opportunity for mutual growth. Your honesty, your story, your sincerity, your concern, could blow her mind and her heart. Authenticity is a powerful thing. And she's cute AND rich -- think of the upside!

There are two problems:

1. I don’t really trust her with such a thing. She told me some very, very personal things about her male friends, things that if spread out will severely hurt their chances with girls. My story of hairloss is nothing compared to what she told me about these friends. Now I know she trusts me 100%, and she also told me some very personal things about herself, but still, I’m not comfortable telling her about this situation. I did tell her I didn’t date much at my 20’s because I dedicated myself to my career, but not more.

2. Even though we both have insecurities, she didn’t let them keep her from getting anything. She’s hot by any standards, she gets approached constantly when we go out, by good looking men, if I leave her for even 1 minute, I usually find some guy trying to give her his phone number. Her last boyfriends were extremely hot too (checked them on facebook), though eventually they didn’t stay loyal to her. She can get almost any single guy that she wants, I don’t think that if I’ll emphasize my faults and insecurities in front of her, it will have a positive effect.

You might ask how the hell I found myself with her in the first place. We met through work, and at work I’m a totally different person than what I portray here, full of confidence, admired by many, speak in front of crowds who adore me, just the fact that she goes out with me earns her a lot of respect from her friends. That’s why she started going out with me, she saw something very very different than what I portrayed in this thread. I'm like dr jackel and mr hyde...

I never said it would be easy . And clearly it takes finesse and time. But hey, you know best whether it's worth the effort. Either the relationship ends soon or it develops. If it's the former, it doesn't sound like you're going to be psychologically devastated. But if it has a future, it's going to involve some risk-taking, right?

My impossible-to-argue-with philosophy is that it's necessary to be with people (friends and lovers) who allow you to feel good about yourself. Either she can offer that to you or she can't. If she can't, then what's the point? But if you two are just enjoying some fun-in-the-sack luvin', there are worse ways to spend your time.

Quote:I never said it would be easy . And clearly it takes finesse and time. But hey, you know best whether it's worth the effort. Either the relationship ends soon or it develops. If it's the former, it doesn't sound like you're going to be psychologically devastated.

When she first told me she doesn’t think about us in a serious way I was psychologically devastated for about 3 weeks, told her not to call me since I’m heart broken and talking to her is too painful. Now she suddenly changed her mind… the ball is in my hands and I’m not sure what to do.

Quote:But if it has a future, it's going to involve some risk-taking, right?

The stakes might be too high here…

Quote:My impossible-to-argue-with philosophy is that it's necessary to be with people (friends and lovers) who allow you to feel good about yourself. Either she can offer that to you or she can't.

Well, just the fact that someone who looks as good as her show me so much affection is enough to make me feel good about myself. On the other hand her obsession with looks make me even less comfortable with my faults. It’s a draw…

Jonesy123 Wrote:When she first told me she doesn’t think about us in a serious way I was psychologically devastated for about 3 weeks, told her not to call me since I’m heart broken and talking to her is too painful. Now she suddenly changed her mind… the ball is in my hands and I’m not sure what to do.

Just curious: What changed her mind?

More to the point: I hear your hesitations and your fears and I respect them. Have you considered individual counseling/psychotherapy to air out these issues with a flesh and blood person? (Message boards can take you only so far.) Or if you're already in counseling, are you taking the initiative to confront these darker concerns? At some point, and only when you're ready, a leap of faith is going to be necessary. You surely don't want to be in this psychological rut for years to come. I think you're wise to choose for that to happen with someone -- quite possibly a professional -- that you can trust not to shoot you down. You're looking for, and deserve, unconditional support from someone.

Quote:Just curious: What changed her mind?

Good question.

Quote:More to the point: I hear your hesitations and your fears and I respect them. Have you considered individual counseling/psychotherapy to air out these issues with a flesh and blood person? (Message boards can take you only so far.) Or if you're already in counseling, are you taking the initiative to confront these darker concerns? At some point, and only when you're ready, a leap of faith is going to be necessary. You surely don't want to be in this psychological rut for years to come. I think you're wise to choose for that to happen with someone -- quite possibly a professional -- that you can trust not to shoot you down. You're looking for, and deserve, unconditional support from someone.

I'm not in counceling and this is something that might provide benefit, you are right. I just didn't have any insecurity problems before I started losing my hair, and I wonder if it will be too naive to think that things can become better if I get my hair back... (ok, even if it's not "mine"), or maybe I'll just find something else to lower my confidence... not sure at this point.

Insecurities usually have a root cause. You find the source by its root, and deal with it there. Only you know the question to this. A psychologist might help, but you are the one who controls your own life.

about talking to a girl about your insecurities. I dont really agree with that fully. There has to be a balance. I think it turns girls off when a guy throws all their insecurities on them. Its cool to show girls you are human once in awhile and when you get close, you can share things, but dont dump it on her. They dont like it. In fact they probably wont like you for it. Thats why girls are attracted to assholes. They like that confident laid back personality.

Jonesy-

I don't think there is a person on these boards who has not been psychologically affected by hairloss. I started getting very self conscious before I shaved my head. i was one of the lucky ones who could pull off the shaved look, so I spent the next 8 years content with shaving it all off. During that time I had some pretty decent looking girlfriends. So I know that baldness isn't necessarily a deal killer. My last long term girlfriend was a 100lb 21yr old Filipina. I was 31 and bald as a cueball when I met her. And she wasn't the only one that I picked up when I had no hair. It isn't the end of the world by any means.

That said, I finally discovered the world of non-surgical hair replacement and realized that I have options. Now I have a CHOICE, which is huge.

You need to stop worrying about this and take the plunge. From your pics I could see that you have thick side hair, so half the battle is won. You obviously are not satisfied with your current situation. Trust me, if you have thick sides, a piece is a MUCH better alternative to a comb-over.

I attended a Christmas party Saturday night. My main hair stylist was there, as were her mother and sister who had no idea I wear. My stylist came up to me and whispered "your hair looks GREAT". I said "Why whisper......everyone knows!" She then told me her mom and sis don't know, so I told her to tell them. They were pretty amazed, I amswered a few questions they had and then went about my business.

It's NOT that big of a deal, really.

Thanks JRob and Xenon

Jonesy123 Wrote:

Quote:Consider yourself lucky dude. If she likes you without the wig stay the course. If she doesn't like wigs she won't like you wearing one. Some women have an issue having someone else's biology on your head.

Not so simple. She is positive beyond any doubt I have thick hair below the combover. She asked for more than one time to dye my hair with her own hands (in order to get rid of some white hairs that I have that annoy her, since according to her I'm too young to have white hairs). I actually almost said "yes" to her dying my hair since it could have gotten us very close, but then remembered that I'm practially bald on top... Together with some help of toppik and dermmatch I gave her a very good illusion of a thick head of hair (at night!), but sooner or later she'll find out the truth.

I simply feel that she's too superficial, my hairloss won't go with her, there are those girls... If I met her with a wig and she didn't know, I was in a better spot. On the other hand maybe it's better not to have such type of a person as my girlfriend... maybe my hairloss saved me from a broken heart later on...

Very Simple....R U N..Don;t walk away from this woman. A few white hairs "annoy her"? Not a good foundation there to stand the storm of aging. When she finds out the truth she will probably doing the running and you a huge favor.

It is very ironic that women can wear wigs, hair extensions, padded bras, get fake boobs to improve their appearance and nobody in society gives it a second thought considering it normal. Men are still ridiculed for wearing a hair piece, and become brunts of jokes by national comedians to John Doe and Jane Doe.

In terms of disclosure, the only ones that know are my ex-wife and two children. I told her just before we married and at the time she was 22 and I was 29. I lost my hair at 21. No, I did not tell her immediately out of fear. Her answer was she loved me, and understood my need to want to look my best. I doubt if that would have been her answer when we first started to date.

I don't tell anyone I date. They just think I have great hair. I wear a full cap too. I confirmed to myself not to say anything in the initial stages of dating because a year ago I dated one women for 2 months. She was over to my house one night, and went to get something for me in my closet. I forgot that's where I keep my spare piece. She came out with it and said what is this. I obviously had to tell her. The look on her face was like she was repulsed. Anyways, that was the last time we went out. After that, she was always "busy". Fortunately she had enough integrity to not tell mutual friends. I've run across her socially, she's been pleasant but I could tell she'd always stare at my hair and just kinda smirk.

I'd certainly tell someone after dating for a year or more, but never immediately. I figure by that time the woman knows the man and it should not matter about the hair. If it does then, it tells me she's not the one for me.